I know you are but what am I? A sinner saved by Grace!
My wife and I have been together for 13 years. Last Friday we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. Every year on our anniversary I can count on 3 things.
1) I’m gonna get a gift.
2) She’s gonna get a gift.
3) We’re gonna get into an argument.
Every year for the last 10 years we’ve had a minor blow out about something inconsequential and meaningless on our anniversary. Nonetheless in the heat of the moment we both stake out our positions and commence firing shots at one another. We speak in coded language. We flash old battle scars. Eventually our arguments disinegrate into an adult version of “I know you are but what am I?” We begin to talk past each other. Refusing to hear the other side. Only concerned with voicing our own.
In a conversation with my Pastor I shared with him about this scenario to which he responded “You fight because the expectations for that day are so high. One missed step and it all comes crashing down.” Sadly he’s right. I have expectations on my wife and she has expectations on me. If either one of us doesn’t live up to the others expectations we begin to defend our right to have those expectations. Unfortunately this is counter productive to the unity of our marriage.
Over the last week I’ve witnessed a similar scenario play out in the comments on this blog. In fact if you follow the blog rabbit hole you can see what I call the “ripple effect”. Someone lobs a rock into the CRN.info pond and then the ripples spread all across the blogosphere lake. Those that agree with whatever point was made applaud and cheer the beauty of the ripple from their respective vantage point. Then another rock is lobbed and on it goes. Rocks get lobbed at ET, Old Truth, Camp on this, etc… Spiraling further out of control and looking less like Jesus the further it goes. An adult version of “I know you are but what am I?”
When I argue with my wife the one thing that I am most deeply convicted of every time is “Husbands love your wife like Jesus loved the church and gave his life for it.” Most days I fail miserably but on the rare occasion I grasp the breadth of that command I watch my wife radiate, secure in what God had intended when he ordained marriage and called it good.
The church that Jesus loved and gave his life for is also commanded to live in unity. For we are all of the same body. All given certain gifts. The hand can not say to the foot I don’t need you.
Brothers and sisters the expectations are very high. Because of that let us all walk in the bond of unity that God commanded for the church. That it may radiate the beauty of Christ.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Congratulations on 10 years! A lot longer than me so far (three in two months). That really helped me to see things in my own marriage sometimes when I have to be right and have expectations I don’t tell her.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:09 am
30 years in December.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Thank you for this post Chris. Not only good for those of us who are married, but the connection to how we treat other Christians is important for us. I want to point out that there are times we may feel justified in holding our grudge, or getting upset. We could be absolutely right about the situation. But being a Christian isn’t about being right just like being a husband isn’t about being right. In fact, my wife and I have the most trouble when I try to prove my correctness. Being a Christian means that we show grace to others by not holding grudges, not yelling at them, and not defending our rightness at the expense of our relationship.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Chris,
I hope you can see the depth of your insight here and carry the analogy over a little more.
The source of much of our quarrels is pride, a desire to be right, and our own sinful heart. This is true between husband and wife, and between well meaning Christians.
Even in this post, and on this site, there is the indication that the roots of the problems lie with the other guys and we fail to look in the mirror at ourselves, and to humbly say those six words that mend my relationship with my spouse almost daily:
I was wrong, I am sorry.
Congrats on Ten years. We had 20 in May. My wife gets a special mansion for putting up with me, if you can imagine that.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:37 am
good thoughts chris. and can you pass the part about a wife getting a present on the anniversary to Tim?
June 10th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Tim - you’re doing it wrong, dude!
Great article, Chris - Zan and I celebrate 20 in September, (but we never fight - we only disagree until I see it the right way)…
June 10th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
From a blog-lurkers perspective, I’m seeing more and more of the “can’t we all just get along” posts, but very little fruit…from either side. Just my point of view.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
But isn’t a call to unity essentially a call to bear fruit?
June 10th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Nothing better than grace.
Renee and I just celebrated 17 years on June 1.
jerry
June 10th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
What? You mean we’re still celebrating anniversaries? I thought those were optional like sweetest day.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
37 years in two days. Want a tip from an old timer, Chris?
Memorize these words: Yes honey, you’re right. I’m wrong again!!
Those words are pain free.
You’ll find as you get older your threshold for pain lowers with each passing year….
June 10th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Words for a Happy Marriage:
“I will in a minute”
“What are you talking about?”
“I don’t know what to tell you”
“I can’t help it if your water broke, Notre Dame is playing”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Words for a Happy Marriage:
Haha good one’s Rick!! My dad always falling asleep on the sofa,and my mum will ask him to do stuff, “are you asleep” dads “no just resting my eyes”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
MORE WORDS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE:
“Paul had it made”
“Why is the church trying to boss Christ around?”
“Do something with these kids”
“So what if you read SOL, don’t get any ideas”
“One more word and I quit my job and we’ll all starve”
“I’ve got the lawyer on speed dial”
“Boy, you wouldn’t have made it with the early church fathers”
“I knew I should have become a monk”
“Shhh…I am in contemplative prayer”
June 10th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Rick,
Is a slam against Slice a requirement for all you write? I just want to say that I appreciate this post and the whole spirit of it.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Let me introduce you to humor. I thought it was quite tepid and funny. As you can see I poked humor at my wife as well! You know, a merry heart and all that!
June 10th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Thank you for stopping by and the kind words Ingrid.
Have a blessed day!
June 10th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Good stuff Chris. Thanks for posting this. 18 for Sheila and I and there is great wisdom in Scotty’s words above. My version is:
“You’re right honey. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
June 11th, 2008 at 12:41 am
I know why all your marriages have lasted so long…All of you are old enough to remember and participate with the YMCA when they didn’t allow women! That’s where you hid out for half the years you have been married!
Ok, now what are some horrible things that can put big road bumps in a marriage…one of the top ten: The cable goes out
Honorable mention: CRN site goes down for reconstruction!